it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
