A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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