I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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