Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
