Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
