The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
