Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
