do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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