Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
