I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
the liver wants what the liver wants
In other news, I just burned my penis
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
