Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
