I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
