We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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