My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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