God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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