If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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