It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
