You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
