My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
