I wish life had little blips of pornography
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
