there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
