Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
