I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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