I think I won the penis lottery.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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