I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
