Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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