why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
