My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
