party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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