I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Randomize
