beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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