The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
where are you?
Hypothermia
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
