theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
