$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drake has all the answers
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
