tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
