OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
