You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
