nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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