It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
