I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
