Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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