I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
