i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Randomize
