Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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