remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
