OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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