So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Randomize
