I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
