How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
