census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
